That may surprise many of you, and may not for just as many of you.

I’ve always found this concept of true happiness as fleeting in my life, just as I may find pain, fear or exhaustion.  I know it exists, I’ve experienced plenty of times, but I want to know what it feels like when it sticks around (cancel that about those other feelings…I’d like to pass on extended feelings of those types).

As I began my unofficial quest for happiness, I thought it would come naturally after I graduated.  I was miserable during my final semester of school.  I didn’t want to be in that world anymore, the drive was frustrating, and I would have rather been doing the work I was doing full-time.

But when I graduated, I didn’t get that wash-over-you sense that happiness can bring.  Relief was definitely a huge feeling, and maybe a twinge of happiness, but not what I had hoped for.

I also thought that happiness may come as soon as I got a job.  I threw myself into sending out applications and searching for new places to apply.  So when I got that call saying I had an offer, I thought I should be dancing around the room, but, stomach flu aside, once again, I just got that sense of relief.  And a feeling of accomplishment.  But not true happiness.

I kept doing that…banking that maybe this, or maybe that would make me happy.  Maybe starting my job, maybe going out tonight, maybe going on vacation would help me achieve it.

Fail, fail fail.

During this time, my life seemed on different levels to be falling apart.  Things weren’t going great in my personal life, my work life was stressful, and it was truly pouring.

I started making every wish at 11:11 and fallen eyelashes that I would be truly happy.  For obvious reasons, that didn’t work so well.

In a last ditch effort, I started reading the book “The Art of Happiness,” which discusses how to achieve happiness according to the Dali Lama.  I’m only about 30 pages in, but I can already tell it’s not my do-all be-all.

I reached a true low last week at Crossroads….a different time than my last post, but clearly that place has some sort of effect on me.  They’re doing a series on the big questions in life, and this sermon happened to be Doubt vs. Belief.  I don’t think the topic had as much to do with it as the fact it was the beginning of the series.  At the end of the message, the audience was asked to write down a question that they struggle with in their lives.  The first thing that popped into my head was “Do I deserve true happiness?”

That was monumental for me.  I had it in writing.  I was unhappy, and I didn’t like where I was.

After that, my unofficial quest became something much more official.  And I took a new theory on happiness.  I control my happiness.  Certain events in my life don’t.  Certain people in my life don’t.  My work doesn’t.  My relationships with others don’t.  I do.

Clearly, all the above things have huge factors in my control of happiness, but I play those chess pieces.

So…how did I move on from unofficial to official?

I started doing activities that I enjoy.  I’ve spent time outdoors when the weather has been nice.  Both with others, and just myself.  I’ve gone swimming, for the fun of it, not for a workout.  I’ve gone on a hike to be thankful that I am able to hike after so many back injuries.  I’ve accomplished everything on my to-do lists at work.  I’ve continued to read books that interest me.  I’ve gone shopping.  I’m planning a vacation to Alaska to visit one of my good friends.  I’ve gone to bed early and gotten up early.  I’ve put effort in relationships that I thought were worth saving.  I’ve left work early when it’s just been a little too nice outside to stay in (after finishing everything on my to-do list).  I’ve taken deep breaths, choosing to appreciate the exact moment I am in, not wishing it was another.  I’ve explored areas from my childhood that have memories associated with them.  I signed up to be a mentor through Big Brothers, Big Sisters.  I’ve pledged to do one thing a month that scares me…in a good way.  I’ve started praying again, allowing myself to feel the presence of God in my life, as well as asking for this happiness I’ve sought after for so long.  I’ve also allowed myself to be honest with him when I can’t be honest with anyone else.  I’ve continued to explore new relationships with people in my life, such as my co-worker Jennie who brightens my day every day.  I’ve done things in Cincinnati that I’ve never/rarely done before, such as seeing a play in Over-the-Rhine with a friend.

I know that’s a ridiculously long list, but who ever said achieving happiness was an easy task?

My epiphany from this work, and what I hope may help you, my dear readers, is that happiness is an accumulation of things.  It is not based on one thing.  New shoes, while amazing, will only make me temporarily happy (and may cause me to sprain my ankle…true story), but they will not give me this deep sense of happiness I’m starting to experience.

I’ve been told by someone very influential in my life that I experience feelings on a more extreme level than others.  Until she said that, I had never noticed.  But she’s right…I feel things on a different level than my peers.  Which is no difference than someone having more self-will, motivation, dedication or whatever than other people.  It is NOT my burden to bear, and instead is a gift.  So, when I reach this true state of happiness, I will settle into it at a nicer level than others.  Who wouldn’t want that?

I’d like to leave you all with a quote that has been influential in my quest.  I have it on computer screen, so I see it every day.  It’s continued to motivate me towards this goal I’ve had and am now starting to achieve.

So today, tonight, tomorrow, do one thing that makes you happy. And then another.  And keep doing that because only you control your happiness.

“Take responsibility of your joy and never again give anyone else the job of making you happy.”

Life has a funny way of pouring when it starts raining.  It’s the domino effect for negative events.  Suddenly karma really really hates you.  And through the struggle, there’s a need to keep from drowning in it.

Having the name Hope doesn’t make it any easier.  Just an FYI.

But truly, at times like these, it makes me realize how blessed I am in so many ways.  Well okay, that realization didn’t come as easily as I just made it sound.  Having some Graeters may have helped speed the process up a little bit.  And a glass of wine.  Okay, and a small dose of retail therapy.  Plus, this idea that you have to fake it til you make it, in the sense of positivity helps me make it through tough times.

Alright, I’ll stop beating around the bush.  I’ve had a tough past few weeks for a numerous variety of reasons.  I’m not gonna give the laundry list of events, but it all accumulated with finding out that someone I had been in a previous relationship was not faithful, and in fact started dating someone else while we were together.  Pretty rough stuff…but in my usual sense, I decided to try and be strong and direct the emotions I had about the event towards anger because it seemed normal.   And anger makes you tough.  And tough people don’t hurt.  But today, I went to Crossroad, and while there was some time of meditation, this overwhelming feeling came over me….it’s okay to hurt.  And suddenly, I just let myself feel hurt.  And wow…was it relieving.

After I let myself feel all those emotions, I suddenly felt the anger and tension leave my body.  Not towards the person, but towards myself.  And that’s when I was able to see how blessed I am.

I am fortunate enough to have a wide group of friends who love me, with all my flaws.  Who will answer my phone calls when I need to talk, and who will give me honest opinions.  I also have a family who would, I have no doubt, do anything for me…and in fact, have many times over, done that.  I have an amazing job…hell, I have a job!  I work with an amazing group of people who are patient with me while I still learn everything.  And I get to see the work I do become a reality…delayed gratification.  I have a cause that not only am I passionate about, but I have the ability to support.  Finally, I am blessed because I’ve learned that it’s okay to be down…I don’t have to be optimistic all the time…but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sure helps.

–

When I was younger, in an attempt for me to like my name, my mom had me meet Hope Taft, the wife of former Governor Bob Taft.  There may have been an element of fraud to the introduction, but let’s not split hairs….Anyway, Hope Taft sent me a book entitled “Hope Was Here” by Joan Bauer that is chalk full of great quotes, but this one has always stood out to me:

“You’ve got to love yourself with all your short comings, and you’ve got to love the world no matter how bad it gets.”

–

On a more informative part of this blog, I wanted to update everyone on my current life.  Ready…go!

• I graduated!  Woohoo!!!  It’s about time.  175 hours and two degrees later, I marched in the December graduation at Miami.
• I have a previously mentioned job.  I work at Barefoot Proximity, a digital ad agency.  I work on the Febreze/Dawn/Cascade accounts.  So…what does that mean?  Barefoot manages the websites for those brands, as well as any of those ads you see as you surf the internet for those products.  They have other accounts that you know, but I work on those three.  So, it’s a good thing Jill and I already used Dawn and Cascade.
• Speaking of Jill…I have an apartment in Oakley with my best friend from high school.  It’s a two family house, and we have the 2nd and 3rd floor.  It’s a fabulous place with a lot of character, we just wish our electricity bill was a little lower.
• I went on a fabulous vacation after graduation with both my parents, and my friend Karen to Nicaragua.  What an amazing country and equally as amazing people.  While I am still bitter about the fact a certain monkey wouldn’t hang out with me, the trip was exactly what I needed to celebrate my graduation.  And the weather was so amazing which was a fabulous break from Cincinnati winters.
• Along those lines, I still have a strong dislike for snow as I got into an accident because of it.  The day after we got back from Nicaragua, I was getting on the highway during a snowstorm and as I was merging, my car spun out, I did a 180 and hit the median.  Amazingly, I didn’t hit anyone, and I wasn’t hurt.  I was able to drive away, albeit shaking like a leaf, but my car is pretty banged up.  We’re trying to figure out the next steps of what to do…
• I have started to attempt swimming again.  I’m a little rusty, but muscle memory is pretty insane.  Like riding a bike…even though I don’t do that.  And I forgot how much I love goggle marks around my eyes.

I believe you’re all pretty much caught up on my life.  Fabulous at times and just trucking through at others.  But the great thing about life is that it just keeps moving on.  And you have to move with it.  I’ll also leave you all with this…a picture of Karen and me in Nicaragua in front of a volcanic lake.  Just to brighten winter a little…and to show you all that there is a light at the end of all our tunnels.

Paint the Street

I have spent much of the past school year in survival mode.  And between all the mundane activities, the overwhelming stress, and long days, it has become the things I choose myself that helps me get through the semesters.

For example, I have become a vegetarian.  I’ve mentioned it briefly before, but I thought I’d explain since everyone always ask “why?”  It all started out as a plan to do things that challenged myself.  I had a list of things of things to give up ranging from a week to a day such as  meat, chocolate, ice cream, facebook, my phone, etc.  I decided to start out with meat because I thought that would be the hardest since I love my hamburgers, steak and chicken, but a funny thing happened.  I started to feel better after about the third day of no meat.  My head felt clearer and suddenly I had more energy.  So I decided to make one week two, and it just built up from there.  I have not had a bite of meat since November, minus the time my dad forgot to tell me a Chicago style pizza had pepperoni on it.

I also went on spring break with Abby and Elana to Sayulita, Mexico.  It was about as opposite of the stereotypical college spring break as possible.  I read four books, ate a lot of really good food, and drank very little.  Between both the Fall and Spring semesters, I have taken 44 hours, so I needed some breathing space.  We stayed with Abby’s aunt and uncle who were such a delight and have the most amazing restaurant (if you ever go, you HAVE to go to Rollie’s).  I don’t think I’ve ever had so many amazing breakfasts in a row, although breakfast for me these days is lucky if it’s more than a few handfuls of cereal.

I also managed to get a summer internship that PAYS!  I’m working for Seek Research (look them up!), and I couldn’t be more excited.  Well, I could be because I just signed a lease for an apartment with my best friend Jill.  We’re living in a two family home in Oakley and we get the second and third floor.    It was the second place we looked at, and we just knew.  Or at least I did…but that may have been the pain from my broken foot speaking.

Oh yeah, I broke my foot.  Well it’s a little up in the air, but most likely it’s broken.  I made it all winter with record snow fall and all the ice, and I never fell.  But of course, it was the freak snow at the end of March that got me.  I just straight wiped out on black ice.  So now I have this really cute shoe that has started to fall apart.  It does make going through airport security a lot of fun because I have to get the full pat down, AND I get to be drug swabbed.

But I guess the most recent, exciting news I have is that I just got back from LA and Las Vegas.  I decided to visit my friend Cathy out there after a breakup.  Oh yeah, I was dating someone.  For roughly 8-9 months.  Wow, I really keep you guys out of the loop.  So anyway, it was a “I need a break” trip, and I don’t think I could have asked for anything better.  Cathy is a doll, and we had such an amazing time.  I met such great people both in LA and Vegas.  I don’t realize how truly undiverse Miami is, and how important diversity is to me.  I was also able to see one of my good friends Rebecca who I hadn’t seen in awhile.

So after my experience, I really think I want to move to LA in the near future.  I don’t graduate until December, and my lease goes until the end of May, and I also applied to the Peace Corps (like any of you are really that surprised), so maybe after all of that?  I really want/need to get my MBA in order to do the type of work I want, and I really like Pepperdine’s International Business degree, so maybe I’ll head out there.

Who really knows.  I have come to realize that while I can try to imagine and plan my future for myself, I have to be open to the flexibility that anything could happen.  And really, that’s okay with me.

]]> http://havesomehopehope.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/miss-a-day-miss-a-lot/feed/ 1 havesomehopehope http://havesomehopehope.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/beginning-of-the-end/ http://havesomehopehope.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/beginning-of-the-end/#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:09:37 +0000 havesomehopehope http://havesomehopehope.wordpress.com/?p=53 ]]> For many of my friends, this is the last semester of their undergraduate college career.  Unfortunately for me (or fortunately depending on who you ask), I still have another semester left.  So I’m fighting an odd form of vicarious seniorities.

This semester I’m currently taking 17 hours, but I’m going to try to pick up at least one online class so once again I’ll be around 20-21 with my part-time job.  It’s a lot of work, but I’m hoping that I can bust it out one more time.

Yesterday I had to get permanent retainers reput in and my teeth are paying the price.  I used to have one on the bottom, but it went across my entire mouth which was a hassle.  So I got my teeth bonded and now I have mini retainers.  Yesterday my teeth were just sore, but for some reason now they’re sensitive.  And I thought I was over all the teeth hassle.  I was definitely the oldest person in the orthodontist office though.

Christmas break was good, a nice needed break.  For those of you who didn’t know (and I don’t know who that would be), my fam went to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl.  The loooooong drive was broken up on the way there with lots of stops in Nashville, Birmingham, Mobile, and Montgomery.  New Orleans was pretty cool though Bourbon Street was super sketchy.  And as most of you know, the game was….well it left a lot to be desired.  Except for my Florida fan brother.  He loved it.

The drive back sans Luke was a straight shot and I don’t know if my butt has ever been so sore.  We did have a lovely stop at a Waffle House on the way back…and I’m having a great time at the Waffle House!

I’m working on getting an internship this summer and soon I’ll be able to start looking for apartments with my friend Jill.  I have also become a vegetarian and have started running.  So lots of random things going on with me.  I’m also doing more website work for my job and I now have the ability to easily edit anything on the main website which is exciting.

Unfortunately I must run now (though not literally).  My Tuesday/Thursdays go from 8-5:50 pretty much straight through so it’s off to management for me!

I have officially reached hump day which is also one of my busiest days of the week.  Well actually, Tuesday-Thursday are all busy, but obviously Wednesday means I’m half-way there.  Woo!  Thankfully this week I don’t have a lot of homework, and no tests, but I do have 3 projects due this week, so it’s been a little crazy.

Thanksgiving was good, although it was a tad crazy because the floors in our house had been refinished and the smell as a little overwhelming.  So I slept on people’s couches two of the four nights I was home.  But it all worked out.  Thanksgiving day was a lot of fun as usual.  This year I had the honor of frying the rolls with Papa.  I only managed to get the hot oil on me twice, and I didn’t really get badly burned, so I chalked that up as a success.  The rolls had 6 tablespoons of salt instead of 6 teaspoons, so they were definitely on the salty side, but that probably was a good thing because I ate less of them than normal.  I definitely think those rolls would fall under an “Not This” category for “Eat This, Not That,” but it is just a once a year kind of thing.

I don’t really have much else to say…I guess my blog is in the same kind of rut that my life feels like its in.  I just need to make it 2 weeks from now and I’ll be done.  And maybe I’ll be more inspired to inspire all of you.  One can only hope.

Everyone will be happy to know that I have found my niche here. I’ve found the kind of friends that I can sit around a table with, drink wine, and laugh until I can’t breathe.

Nina is from Pittsburgh (boo!) and is majoring in social work and psych. She’s a short blonde spitfire who isn’t afraid to introduce herself to new people, and has a crazy obsession for the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Karen may be the craziest girl I’ve ever met (in a good way) which is funny considering she’s from Arkansas. She has the accent and everything. She works at the refugee centre nearby and tutors kids Monday and Wednesday. She’s not afraid to speak her mind, and blames everything on her being “brown.”

Michelle has the red hair I always wished I had. She’s from Canada, and is the first to say, “I’m so Canadian, eh?” She validates all my feelings, but isn’t afraid to say when she has a different opinion. She always has a shoulder for me to put my head, and has the most amazing bright yellow rain slicker ever.

Lauren compares herself her brown curly hair to Medusa’s. She may be one of the nicest, genuine people I’ve met, but she still has a boatload of sass. She’s also from Canada (she and Michelle are roommates from home) and she’s the proud owner of Canadian flag towels.

I feel so fortunate to have such an amazing group of girls to call my friends. They are each so amazing in their own way. Michelle helped organize a vigil at Parliament in remembrance of the xenophobia attacks that made national news. Lauren wrote one and is in the process of writing another paper to be sent and presented at the U.N. Nina is presenting at a meeting with the U.N. And Karen, who says she doesn’t do cool stuff at work like us, takes time after work to tutor children from elementary age to high school.

And what about me? I work at a Tertiary school that provides students from the townships a 100% scholarship based bachelor’s degree in business. I personally work in the Entrepreneurship Centre which mainly helps local entrepreneurs start and run local businesses. My job involves being a jack of all trades of sorts. I’m writing website content for the centre so they can market themselves. I’m also writing content for a man named MC who runs tours in one of the townships. I’m a mentor for a lady named Tersia who opened her own hair salon. I’m helping her decide how to market towards the upper class clients that she wants to attract. We’re both learning together, and Jill, I’m going to bring back lots of great tips for owning a hair salon. I’m also helping the Letterpress Company, a stationery that is completely artisan expand into the retail market. We’re hoping to make contacts at Bendels, Harrods, and Neiman Marcus. I also am going to write a general marketing strategy that the centre can give local entrepreneurs to help them learn how to market their businesses.

Are you exhausted yet? Each project has a special place in my heart because I feel like I’m learning so much from each one every day.

But enough about work. Let’s talk about the fun stuff. The first week I was here, a group of girls went to a restaurant called Mama Africa’s. It serves traditional food like ostrich, crocodile, springbok, and kudu (the last two are forms of antelope). I tried all of them. I ordered the kudu which was amazing. My second favorite was crocodile…imagine that. They had a live band, and the lead singer decided everyone in the group was going to play with them. He was incredibly excited when he found out I played the marimba. We ended up having the most amazing time and started our own dance party in front of the band.

That weekend, a group of us went wine tasting and to Butterfly World. The butterflies were okay, but the monkeys were amazing. After a much failed attempt to get them to play with us, Nina suggested I sit down on a bench where they were. The result was pandemonium. Monkeys appeared out nowhere and dive bombed me. They tried to crawl under my dress, they nuzzled on my side, they climbed in my bag, and they sat on my lap. At one point, Nina sat down with me and wanted me to take a picture of a monkey on her shoulder. As soon as the flash went off, the monkey flew towards me, and the result is a blurry monkey body photo.

We then went Wine tasting at a place that had built a tower for billy goats The wine was amazing, and the scenery was even better. We then went to another vineyard where the wine wasn’t as good. So, Lauren, Nina and I decided to go exploring. The end result was us tromping through a vineyard stealing Pinot Noir grapes and eating them off the vine.

I just realized I forgot to mention going to a vigil Michelle helped plan, visiting a brewery where Castle beer is made, and the 5th birthday party of TSiBA. I’ve been donig so much that only my photos help me remember everything.

The next week, the weather was not so great. It often rains at night here, and the term rain is an understatement. It sounds like the sky opens up and buckets of water are being poured out. Since we’re so close to Table Mountain, we also get severe thunder and lightening storms. I’ve been woken up on more than one occasion because of the storms.

On Friday, my boss took my fellow intern, Johan and I to see some sites we’ll be going to in July. A group of students from Northeastern University are coming down at the beginning of July and are working with local entrepreneurs.

Peter was a great tour guide on the way and explained every place we went through. We went through the richest area in Cape Town, and the 2nd richest in South Africa. We drove through vineyards and mountains. Our first destination was a place called Iziko lo Lwazi which helps empower women through educating them while earning money. I just wrote a blog about it for the Entrepreneurship Centre which you can read here. We then went to a place called T-Bag Designs. It also helps empower people from the nearby township. The company takes tea bags and paints them. It sounds a little odd, but the result is amazing. You can look at their website here.

After that, we went to Huot Bay and I saw a complete rainbow. I left work that day with the feeling that the world was good and so many good things were happening in South Africa.

That was before I went out that night.

I’ve already told my parents the following story after much debate over whether they’d be freaked out or not. But my parents are amazing people who know the world is dangerous and shit happens.

It started with co-workers of Lauren saying they wanted to take her and her friends out to African bars. We thought it would be a cool experience, so Michelle and I decided to go.

The first bar we went to was a techno kind of club that had a mirror on one side of the dance floor. You have no idea how odd it is to see people watching themselves dance in the mirror while they practice their dance moves at a club. We, along with three other of Lauren’s co-workers were the only white people, but it was a lot of fun. Then, the boys in the group decided to go to another bar, and we decided to go with them.

To make a really long story a lot shorter (it involves a taser and metal detectors), our friend Victor told me he should carry my bag into the bar instead of me. We were only at the bar for five minutes until we decided it was too rough to be there. A minute after leaving the club, I looked at Victor who was still holding my bag and realized that someone had tried to cut it open. The bag was sliced in three places, and the person was only an inch away from cutting a chunk of the bottom out. Lauren’s phone, my flash drive, and some over the counter pain medicine was stolen. The boys said it was a good thing I wasn’t holding the bag because it would have just been ripped out of my hands.

It is so hard in a situation like that no to pull race into the discussion. We were a group of six white people and four black people. At each bar, we were the only white people. We were the lightbulb that moths are attracted to. The boys we were with were amazing and protected us, but we still had hands groping at us. Obviously no generalizations can be made about people although it’s hard. I’ve come to love the black South Africans and be wary of the whites who seem to think they are better than anyone. But on the other hand, I would never expect to be attacked by a white. It’s a huge struggle that we go through here. Most everyone I’ve talked to feels the same way. Obviously there are huge exceptions to that–I work with amazing white South Africans. But it’s obviously a continuous struggle for a country who just ended apartheid 15 years ago.

My friends know I’m freaked out, and I hate going anywhere alone. I also don’t want any of my friends to go anywhere alone. I know that feeling will wear off, but it’s going to take some time. Although I was incredibly cautious before, I’m even more cautious now And I’m not taking my purse to a bar again.

The next morning a group of 9 of us drove up to Stellenbosch and went to the Cheetah Conservatory. On the way, we stopped at a market, and I bought the most amazing painting of elephants. Any description of it wouldn’t be fair, but I will say it’s about 4 feet long and it’s very colourful.

At the cheetah conservatory, I got to pet an 8-month old cheetah and we watched them play. I’m proud to say that when I petted it, it started purring. I always have had a deep connection with cats.

That night, my friends stayed in to plan our upcoming trip to the Garden Route. There are 13 of us going, and we’re renting a van (on top of a car we already have). Currently, we’re planning on riding an ostrich, going to Monkeyland (I just can’t get enough), kayaking with whales, bungee jumping (count me out!), and…wait for it…riding an elephant!!!!!! Everyone here knows my obsession for elephants, and we all agree that I should probably have a photographer for this monumental moment.

My week so far has been pretty tame. A lot of working and a lot of hanging out with friends.

A typical day for me beings at 7:30, and I leave for the train at 8:15. We get to work around 9 and leave around 4:30-5. We get back about 45 minutes later, and I get a tea from the coffee shop in our building called Mugged. I’ll explain that in a minute. I then typically call one of my friends, and we meet in someones room. About an hour later, we go to dinner, and get home around nine. We then have a laptop party in someones room until 10ish and then I go to bed. I rarely have free time, but it’s not so bar.

Going back to Mugged…My friends and I spend a lot of time hanging out there. Nelson and Odysseus work there every day, and we’ve gotten pretty close to them. On Sundays, Odysseus likes to read the love stories in the New York Times to us. They have the most amazing muffins and Lebanese style wraps. It has also made me a tea lover. After a long day, I love to order a chamomile or green tea with honey. The favorite part of my day is turning onto Roeland Street (where I live), walking into Mugged, and talking to the boys about their days while ordering a tea.

This weekend, we leave on Saturday for the Wacky Wine Weekend which is by Stellenbosch.

I promise to not wait so long next time to write an entry, partially for our sake, but mostly for mine. My hands are killing after writing this much.

A quick side note because I say adieu. A very happy birthday to my father who encourages me to never give up, trust my instincts, and care for people no matter how different we are. I love you pops!